It is kind of funny...I was laying in sound therapy last week and setting my intentions for my session.  This is usually something like this...Ok Universe, spirit, angels and any other healing energies for my highest good who are present with me...what do I need to work on in my life for myself.  I usually at this point have a few subjects pass through my mind.  Last week's was:  having important conversations that were left hanging, working on my website updates, preparing my taxes and writing on my blog!
So it has taken me a few days to ask myself why haven't I been here since January?  The usual excuses come up...no time, I don't know what to write about, no one really reads this...LOL.
In that space I have come to realize that all those excuses are not the reasons I do this blog anyways.  I'd like to say it's for other's information or for some noble cause...whatever my ego is happy saying.  However, I know that is not true to me.  There is that little squirm that comes inside when something doesn't sit well inside yourself.  Well, this is one of those moments.  I realized I am procrastinating sharing myself.  
I work with people everyday and it is jam-packed with awesome and amazing events everyday.  Time in my life is fast and slow all at the same time.  Never a dull moment.  So it is not a lack of material.  And time...well I know that when it is important I make time.
So...here goes...I have had a few bumps in the road the last couple of months.  I am working on a Women's program that is designed to help women with self empowerment.  In the writing of this, as with my other works in the past, I jump into it with both guns blazing until I find something that doesn't work smoothly.  When this happens I know i have to go back and ask what happened.  Why is this suddenly difficult?  I have included a few colleagues in the writing and collaborating with a few more.  It has shaken loose a few personal hurdles for me.  What is it that I want women to experience in this program.  What motivates me.  What has me in hesitation.  
Well, the last few weeks I have been compiling those answers.  I have been working with people for years where the goal has been transformation and change.  This has been somewhat under the radar, meaning one on one with not much attention from the community or public.  And now more than ever I feel it is about to explode into mainstream.  I see how this Women's program could be put out there and draw women from everywhere.  This has caused me to stumble and address my concerns about being in the spotlight.  I have always felt uncomfortable in the spotlight, garnering attention from people has over the years made me uncomfortable, and at times cringe with self doubt and self judgment.  
Boy oh boy!  I stopped right there and said to myself, "Debbie what is the deal?!"  I took that information and went to work, dug up some interesting experiences that have lived in me since FOREVER!
The internal dialogue went like this:
Who am I?  Who would want me to teach them anything?  I don't like when others feel uncomfortable because of something I said.  I feel greatly.  I am very perceptive to another's feelings. I have always been the one who attracts people and then feels the envy or perhaps appreciation, to which I feel uncomfortable taking that credit or being able to handle that attention in a positive way.  In my past, that attention, that perceptible sense for others has had me bending over backwards to accommodate others so they felt ok.  Even at the detriment of myself. 

Red flag! 
And here is where I am...taking some time to look at what it is I want.  Looking at what I love and don't love.  I have realized that when and if people are passing their judgments about me that is their own stuff to deal with.  The most important work I can do is be in integrity with myself.  It is moving courageously forward busting through the chains of conformity to stand up for my own personal beliefs.  And in regards to this women's program...I want to be that encouragement for another.  A leader to show the way to help women to remember who they are free of what other's say.
To those who know me well, I have been saying what i want for 10 years and louder the last few years...I want to be in joy.  I want to be free to express myself.  I want to share my life with others who take responsibility for their thoughts, words and actions every second of every minute of every day.
This is the vein in which I look at life.  This has become my personal mantra or prayer or desire the last 2 years.
The women's program is designed with this in mind.  First looking at how you live, then what you want, then how to get there.  It is a program that focuses on the relationship with one's self, looking within to find the keys to your divine joy.
I believe  when you live from the outside in, it feels impossible to be satisfied.  Somehow we allow all the input out in our environment to rule our world, our beliefs.  But when you live from the inside out, life is your creation, you're the artist. You are the driver of that bus you call reality.  It empowers you to take responsibility of the wheels. 
If this makes people uncomfortable I choose to see it as good.  Perhaps the discomfort will give them an opportunity to look closer or challenge them to find a key to joy in themselves.
Love and light,
Debbie